Ariel Helwani & Abbottabad Porn


“The Sharks are in seventh heaven, Tiger’s career is buried in purgatory, and before going to hell, Bin Laden masturbated to porn…..seriously, he masturbated to porn. Famous rub out that, I mean, run that bitch.” Oh god, this show never ceases to make me laugh. Just when you think an intro. couldn’t get any better it does. It’s Friday Tim and Sidizens, meaning it’s the last day of the work week for most us. Thank you God (or whoever you pray to). Some topics for Friday include: Patrick Marleau, Ashton Kutcher, Carlos Boozer, J.R., Kevin Durant, Sid’s Statute, Brock Lesnar, Tiger Woods, and Osama Bin Laden. This is Sid’s last day of his first week hosting the Tim and Sid: Uncut radio show alone. I’m sure he’ll go out with a “bang” today 😉

For most of the last two weeks, the show has included everyone’s favourite topic from hell, Osama Bin Laden. And just when Sid thought talking about Bin Laden was over, more news came out today that had to be discussed. Like Sid said, “It’s the gift that keeps on giving.” And until that material stops, we have to talk about that fucker. In today’s news, Reuters released breaking news that said that an exclusive pornography stash was found in Bin Laden’s hideout by U.S Commandos. The stash of porn was “fairly extensive.” Seixeiro, “So Bin Laden’s not in a cave running, he’s in his compound, built by Pakistan FIFA, watching porn on his 4″ television.” Tim and Sidizens can appreciate the fact that Sid, Bronsteter, and Noon are going to milk some funnies out of this topic today. Introducing, What are some of the titles found in Bin Laden’s Porn Stash? game. Huge comedy in this segment. Some of the suggestions were:
– Abbottabad Goat Milk Squirters Part 12 – Noon
– The Martyr’s 200 Virgins – Bronsteter
– Knock, Knock, Who’s There? 72 Virigins: Anal al-Qaeda – Seixeiro
– All Ankle Access – Noon
– Navy Seals: Team 69 – Seixeiro
I think the big thing to come from all of this is the fact that Bin Laden had 6 wives to bang and do what he wanted with. But instead, “The most dangerous guy in the world was masturbating to porn.” At this time, Pizzo stepped in with a good line, “Did you hear that he took a shot to the face?”

The Sharks Final Bite of the Red Wings
Once the boys had finished discussing their favourite porn titles, Sid jumped into one of the bigger topics of the day. On Thursday, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Detroit Red Wings to end the 7 game series in victorious fashion. Sid felt this series was pretty interesting to watch, especially how it all played out. SJS went up 3 – 0, then lost three games straight, then battled out a 7th game win. Like Sid said, “Everyone was expecting San Jose to have an epic collapse.” But the story that was talked about in this segment was the comments made on Patrick Marleau by Jeremy Roenick. As you’re all aware, after game 5, Roenick called Marleau “gutless” for not having a good series. Sid felt this wasn’t just ripping a player on bad play, it was a personal attack. Instead of commenting on the insult, Marleau responded by scoring the game winner in game 7 and propelling the Sharks into the Western Conference Finals. This is where Sid took exception and you could tell he was a little pissed. According to Seixeiro, when broadcasters are wrong, it’s important to come forward and acknowledge their mistake – whether they do it on their own or are pushed by someone (i.e. the employer). But what does Roenick do after game 7? Check out his comments below.

He calls it “tough love” and comes across as though he was pushed Marleau into being the player he knows he can be. “No, no, no. Don’t play that card. Don’t play the – well, I know how good you are and I was just giving you a push. Bullshit! That’s weak, it’s borderline gutless. No way were J.R’s comments used to motivate the kid. You look like a fool Roenick. A fool. Just say you’re wrong.” said Seixeiro. I was excited big time for Marleau after game 7, even more so because of the comments made by Roenick. I just think Roenick was being a douche and ripping a guy because it was fun.

My Friends Call Me Jacks
Huge surprise for Tim and Sidizens today. I actually rolled over laughing when I heard Sid introduce Jason Jackson, broadcaster for the Miami Heat, as his first guest. If you remember, the guys have been ripping on Jackson and his NBA Fan Conduct video lately. It’s a real gem and has become a sound byte from time to time for Bronsteter. I’ve added the video to the Nooner and Bronsteter Bytes section on the home page. Sid got right into discussion of the Miami Heat and the Eastern Conference Finals. According to Jacks, the Heat at practice today were both serious and loose. The players were having 3-point contests, playing knock-outs, and just looking relaxed. There was a little conversation about Spoelstra and the fact that he’s a new coach. Sid asked if he will be well prepared for the Eastern Conference Finals?Jacks felt that Erik will be ready to step up – he’s always looking for excellence and what has amazed Jacks the most about him is the coach’s demeanor. Whether it’s a 20 point win or a 1 point loss, Spoelstra has the same approach all the time. The man is easy and breezy either way it goes. Sid followed up with a great question regarding all the player movement that happened prior to the 2010-11 season. As any NBA fan is aware, last year, there were rumours that James and Wade would head to the Chicago Bulls. Obviously that didn’t happen and Sid wondered if the series could get personal? (there were some words thrown back and forth when both James and Wade didn’t end up with the Bulls) Jacks thinks it might be personal early on, but believes the players will bring it back basketball in the end and push all the other stuff out of the way. Conversation then flowed into the story of Bosh vs. Boozer. Boozer recently made the comment, “The Heat have 2 good players.”, snubbing Bosh of course. Jacks just thinks this is a veteran move, someone trying to get inside the head of his opponent. He believes Chris will have a good series and is ready for his first trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. Sid asks Jacks how many games he sees this series going? Jason sounded convinced that Miami will take it in 6. He thinks the Heat are surging, while the Bulls are on their heels a bit, “they’ve had to work a lot harder to get here.” Good interview with Jason Jackson but it’s clear that he’s as biased as they come. Whenever Sid asked about the series, it seemed that Jackson could only really give shout-outs to the Heat. I don’t blame the guy I guess, he was fired from ESPN in 2002 for violating company policy – something about sexual harassment. Being loyal to his employer is probably #1 in his to do list”.

After the chat with Jason Jackson, Bronsteter threw out a good question and asked Sid if he thought the ratings for the Eastern Conference Finals will be better than the NBA Finals (especially with all the players involved)? Sid didn’t quite agree, “I see where you’re going though, but I think you’re so fucking wrong, it’s unbelievable.” Love when Sid debates 😛

Broken Wings and Pizzo’s Updates
Before Pizzo could begin his update, he wanted to mourn a little about the fact that his beloved Red Wings were ousted in the NHL Playoffs. He is a huge fan of the Red Wings and was kind of pissed that they got the boot in game 7 rather than game 4. Something that also ticked him off was the fact that during the final 30 seconds of the game, down 1 goal, and on the verge of losing – Detroit’s two best players Zetterberg and Datsyuk were sitting on the bench. “Doesn’t make sense, doesn’t make any sense at all.”
1. Sir Alex Ferguson from Manchester United is being fined for positive comments. He recently said, prior to a game, “we’re getting the best referee, no doubt about that.” In an age where athletes and management are always getting fined for cursing out refs, we have one getting fined for being nice. But hey, I’m sure Alex was actually trying to get on the good side of the ref. Always thinking he is.
2. Think getting hit in the nuts is a bad thing? Well for Taylor Statham, it was positive. The kid got kneed in the balls during practice and eventually had to go to the doctor due to pain. Anyways, it was discovered that he had testicular cancer and it had to be operated on. The surgery was a success and Taylor is now cancer free. Wowzers, check your balls boys.
3. Recently, Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots, autographed a football for charity. the funny part? Instead of merely writing his name, Belichick adds the S.B. 36, 38, 39 (Superbowl Champions) to the second line. WOW. Pizzo calls this completely CUT, but Sid thinks it’s UNCUT – nothing wrong with showing your resume. 

MMA’s Ariel Helwani
This is when I love the show the most – fantastic guests. First Jacks, and now Canadian MMA Journalist, Ariel Helwani. If anyone is aware of MMA and the UFC, you’ve heard of Ariel. With all the recent injuries that are taking place in the UFC, it was appropriate to have him on the air. Sid’s first question was actually about those said injuries – Lesnar, Jones, Edgar, and Maynard. Is the UFC cursed? Helwani truly believes that this is a bad time right now. Players are going down and it is going to be interesting to see how the next PPV goes. To follow up with that, Sid wondered when or if Ariel caught wind of Brock’s injury update prior to the announcement. Ariel said that he did hear something about 3 or 4 days ago and that it might involve Brock backing out of the fight, but didn’t expect the news to be so bad. He understands that this was a huge blow to Vancouver, especially since they haven’t sold out yet. And that main card fight was huge for UFC 131.

Around this time, Sid had to hang up with Helwani because the connection was the shits. Like the guys said, the phone sounded something like morse code, similar to those amazing Canadian Heritage moments ads.

Connection! Noon and Bronsteter were able to get Ariel back online and we were back in business. With regards to the injuries, Sid asked whether or not the UFC can do something to make this up to fans? Ariel doesn’t think there’s a whole lot more that it can do. They’re showing pre-show fights on Spike, airing them on Facebook, and at times, the main card isn’t always the most exciting. Take the UFC 129 card, the Hominick fight was clearly the best fight of the night. There was also some follow-up to Lesnar’s injury and whether or not he will retire. Helwani is not so sure that it’s actually up to him. Diverticulitis is serious shit and could actually take him out of the sport. It’s not only Brock’s decision, but also his family’s, doctors, and the outcome of the surgeries.

Rapid Fire
Rapid Fire was pretty short today as the interviews with both Jacks and Helwani ran a little long. However, Bronsteter came through in fine fashion. First, like all Fridays, Aaron did a run through of the things Tim and Sidizens learned this week. They include:
– Bin Laden likes porn
– The UFC is cursed
– Ariel Helwani communicates using morse code
– It’s Friday the 13th
– Sid is more afraid of Twitter
– Sid’s Statute is as accurate as Lawlor’s Law
– Hainser thinks tornados are one of the most deadliest storms

And to end the show:
Which item do you own would piss you off most if you found out that your wife auctioned it off? Sid’s answer included Ketchup Chips; he’s Slingbox would be a close second. I think if M.K auctioned off my Thornley Drum Skin, I might be a little peeved; well a lot peeved.

Well, the Tim and Sid: Uncut show ended on a huge note. You couldn’t of written the Osama/porn segment any better and the Jason Jackson interview was pretty good. A huge surprise to have Ariel Helwani on the show. I love following this guy and he really does a great job at bringing MMA to the people/fans. He’s the best in the business. Hands down, best show of the week – Sid, Bronsteter, and Noon, you ended this week’s show with a 10/10. Horns for all you bitches!


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