Manicured Vagines & EPO

TIm: “The Sharks have their back against the wall, the Bulls have their back against the wall.
Sid: And Tim’s back, yeah? Yeahhhhhh, I’m so happy….
Tim: (mutters) Where’s Brookside?
Sid: Yeahhhhhhhh. Remember the commercial we did?
Tim: Yeah, Does anyone else?
Sid: What’s that?
Tim: Does anyone else remember it?
Sid: I don’t give a shit.
Tim: Okay, fair enough.
Sid: Oh, we got to start the…..”

Tim’s back in the booth Tim and Sidizens. His 2 week vacation is over and Sid has his only friend back. Noon is behind the glass, alongside a cleanly shaven, Aaron Bronsteter. The Tim and Sid: Uncut team are back with their starting 5. Topics for today’s show include: Stuff that Tim missed, Dirk Nowitzki, Thoughts from Tim, Jose Bautista, Tim’s Vacation, The Atlanta Thrashers, Tim’s Stories, Tim Thomas, Tim’s Opinions, and a potpourri of ideas. I will throw out a disclaimer that the guys talked about half of these topics, so don’t expect to read this review and listen to the show thinking you’re going to hear chatter about Bautista, for example. It’s the uncut show – they do what they like. Before any discussion on sports would occur, Tim congratulated Sid on holding down the fort and “steering the Captain’s Wheel” while he was away for the last 2 weeks. Sid pretty much loved running the place by himself because there was no one to call him out on his own shit (if they did, they received a fuck off!). But in saying that, Tim said he also wanted to “punch the computer sometimes.” especially when Sid was going on one of his maniacal rants. Either way, the dynamic duo are back together, time to rekindle the bromance.

Uncle Timmy’s Personal Rapid Fire of Rants
Being away from work for two weeks can cause an individual to bottle up his/her emotions or thoughts on sports. You can imagine that Tim had so many things running through his head and he wanted to talk about everything under the sun today – you could sense it in his voice; the excitement was clearly overwhelming. In order to appease him, the guys basically gave Tim the mic and let him rant and roar about the topics he missed out on while away.

1. How About My Canucks? Tim wanted to give a little shout-out to the success “His” Canucks are having in the NHL playoffs. Unbeknownst to everyone else in the studio, Tim supposedly picked the Canucks in the beginning of the season to win the cup. Sid found this a little hard to believe but seemed convinced when Tim reminded him of his rant that got them through game 7 against the Blackhawks several weeks ago. “I reversed the curse of the rant.”

2. LBJ and the Miami Heat! Tim’s clearly making up for lost time as he begins to discuss the Heat/Celtics series. He questions whether or not games 4 and 5 of the series will be a defining moment for James? Similar to when Michael Jordan finally defeated the Detroit Pistons. While they’ll have to battle with Chicago, Tim believes the Heat are on their way to a title. And if this happens, the defining moment according to Tim will be those games against Boston.

3. Pat Riley vs. Gar Forman. “How the blood clot did Pat Riley not win the Executive of the Year, hands down?” If you remember, Riley was called co-executive of the year alongside Chicago Bull’s Gar Forman. Tim’s belief is that Riley is the one who went out and successfully signed Wade, Bosh, and James. He got all 3. The man was doing work in the offseason. Chicago on the other hand, tried to at least get one of those names mentioned and failed on all accounts. Sid also agreed and didn’t understand “how does he (Riley) not individually take this award, rub his balls on it, and make everyone smell it?”

4. The Lakers and Vanessa? “Really? The Lakers rift was Vanessa? If Tim and Sidizens don’t remember, one of the rumoured reasons behind the Lakers collapse was the breakup between Pau Gasol and his girlfriend. Sid had a quick remark here, “Really, I thought the woman on the floor, Pau Gasol, was the problem. I’m not saying he’s a woman, I’m just saying he had vaginal tendencies in that series against Dallas.” According to reports, Vanessa Bryant was the one who supposedly egged Gasol’s girlfriend to leave the 7 footer. Girls can be shady, but come on, you’re professional athletes. Get over it! Tim also had issues with the fact that Odom’s reality show was filming during the playoffs. “Really?”

5. Tim’s Twitter Expectations. This rant seemed kind of foss to me. Over vacation, Tim tweeted several times, especially during the NBA or NHL playoffs. During one of Tim’s tweets, Noon tweeted the following:

Anyways, Tim seemed to take this to heart for some reason and thought Noon was attacking him. I could be wrong, but it’s called joking, teasing, taking jabs, etc. We hear these guys everyday throwing shit at one another. Noon summed it up best –  his friends would just know him as “being a smart ass!” There’s nothing in that tweet talking about tweeting after work or tweeting at home. Another example of why we need the sarcasm button.

6. Lance Armstrong and EPO. Great discussion here among the boys regarding more accusations that Lance took EPO. Last night on 60 Minutes, Tyler Hamilton spilled his guts and discussed how he both witnessed and saw Armstrong take drugs. Discussion was on how this would affect Armstrong if it ever came to light to be true. Tim is having trouble with this because if he did cheat, there could be ramifications….the guy raised $325 million for cancer. Sid believes he’ll still be a hero in the charity community, but a fraud in the sporting community. I managed to catch the interview last night online and it was pretty interesting.

Interesting Facts from the PIMP, Mr. Pizzo
Little chatter amongst the guys: Orville looks like he’s 8 since he shaved his facial hair, “Your beard is weird, your stash is trash.” – Pizzo. I can’t believe none of the guys tweeted a photo of our little producer. It was also noted that Noon was North of Coxvale over the May 2-4 weekend. He had a little day of clay shooting – taking shots all day.
1. A dude at a recent Royals/Cards game showed up to the ball park wearing 2 separate jerseys that had been split and sewn together. The 2 players used were Billy Hunter (KC) and Albert Pujols (STL) = BUTJOLS.

2. Cam Newton recently channeled his inner Justin Bieber. I can tell I’m going to find this guy entertaining and a pain the ass all at the same time.

3. Michael Horst did something amazing. The American not only climbed Mount Everst, but he then proceeded to climb the neighboring Mount Lhotse. Two 8,000 meter peaks in 21 hrs; pretty impressive.
During Pizzo’s segment, there was also some discussion on the failure of the Rapture & the Marlins countdown ticker for the event, afternoon NHL games, and Jason Jackson’s visit to Tim and Sid: Uncut. “How the blood clot did you have that guy on the show?”. Is this a new saying of Uncle Timmy’s? He’s used that blood clot line twice so far.

Prior to anymore sport talk, Sid discussed how he spent the weekend mowing his lawn and comparing it to manicured vagines. Sid gives credit to those that do it (work in the business), but he can’t understand or see how women love doing it. “It’s a terrible job. You can’t make money do it.” I know only one thing Sid, while you may not see how anyone can enjoy doing such a job, we have to be completely grateful. That is unless your strictly a “bush” man.

Put That Belt Away Durant!
The guys transitioned smoothly into the topic of what happened the night before in game 4 between the Mavericks and Thunder. With 5 mintues left in the game, the Dallas Mavericks overcame a 15-point deficit to come from behind and beat the Thunder in overtime. A huge statement made by the MAVS to show they’re for real. But the area the guys focused on, Sid in particular, was Scott Brooks and his inability to call timeouts. According to Sid, OKC are a young team and he can’t believe that Brooks didn’t call a timeout somewhere during the MAVS run to calm his guys down and slow down the pace of the Mavericks. It’s as though Brooks was attempting to be like Phil Jackson, letting the team play through it. Tim gives full credit to the MAVS though and he’s happy to see them finally stepping up, especially Dirk. But on the otherside, Durant just looked scared and didn’t take anything to the basket late in the game. He said all the right things to the post-game media, but it’s too late, they lost. Sid summed it up best, “Either way, it was a huge fuck up by Scott Brooks.”

I just have one thing to say about Durant – It’s the NBA and you’re playing against seasoned veterans. Don’t go making “BELT” gestures until the final buzzer sounds. You made yourself look like a fool. Not that Dallas needed it, but if I was Dirk, watching you pretend to put on a championship belt would make me want dunk you and the ball at the same time. And stop wearing that damn book bag Mommy Kisser!

Tim also mentioned Sid’s rant about Kendrick Perkins. Gives him credit, and agrees that Perkins is a good role player but c’mon man…..$9 million a year? Really? With those shitty stats?

Rapid Fire
It was nice to have Bronsteter back behind the glass with a little Either or?
– Magic or Kareem? Who had a better career? Tim goes with Magic and Sid picks Kareem for reasons unknown. The guy is an ass – I’m taking Magic with this question.
– Smarties or M&M’s? Sid’s taking his chocolate over peanuts, but I suggest trying the new M&M pretzals. Good shit guys.
– Ice Tea or Ice Coffee? Sid said foss for both – to that I say, you’re foss Sid. Ice Tea is a good drink to consume from time to time.
– Can of Pop or Bottle of Pop? Bottle of Pop is always the way to go! Colder, refreshing, and they tend to come in smaller amounts/liters.
– The Wall or Darkside of the Moon? Hands down, the Wall did it for me. But a personal favourite tune had to be “Wish You Were Here” from Floyd’s 9th album.

Great show by the Score’s starting 5!  Nice to have Uncle Timmy back in the booth next to his partner in crime. His rants from past shows was pretty funny – like a fat kid in a candy store, so many topics to discuss and get to. Tim does need to lighten up on Noon, I’m pretty sure he was kidding and if he was looking to get a rise out of Tim, I’d say he was successful. Sid’s take on Scott Brooks was interesting. Big time excited for today’s show with Bryan Colangelo! 9.5/10


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