Hainser’s Corner: Epis. 9

Hainser’s Corner #9
Happy Canada Tim and Sidizens! What a country we are – we have Molson Canadian, Beaver Tails, The Tragically Hip, and now, Hainser’s Corner. This was a very special Canadian Hainser’s Corner episode for me personally because I was sitting in the booth watching the the myth himself, Ryan Hains. I’ll provide more information about him later, but for now, here’s how the segment went down.

(Hainser bursts through the door)
Tim: “What are you typing into the computer?”
Sid: “You’re going to be here for 4 minutes.”
Hainser: “My username so I can look something up. I, uh, pleasure to all Tim and Sidizens. Ryno Hainser here, what’s going on Sid? Check me on twitter @rynohainser; What’s up?”
Sid: “Okay, you know how this works; yet you act surprised everytime you come in here. We’re going to ask you some Rapid Fire questions and let’s end with those lines. Don’t tell people where your after party is going to be. I don’t give a shit. Just answer the questions.”
Hainser: “Okay.”
Sid: “The first thing that pops in your head.”
Hainser: “You got your pennies in a knot today, eh?”
Sid: “Shut the fu…”.
Tim: “Pennies in a knot?”
Sid: “He said pennies in a knot.”
Hainser: “Panties!”
Sid: “Hmm, I heard pennies.”

1. Kate Middleton? “Uh hot, but your sister’s hotter.” (Sid: I like when you personally talk to the people.) (Tim: He doesn’t have a sister.) (Sid: No, like Kate Middleton’s sister.) (Tim: Oh, her sister. I thought you said he’s sister.) “I’ve seen his brother. I don’t know how the gene pool…” (Sid: Oh, you better shut the fuck up.)
2. Jonas Valanciunas? “Uh, the guy looks like a beast. His stat line yesterday in that FIBA game was, uh, was a thing for Raptor fans to…” (Sid: Too many words.)
3. Count Chocula? “Gary Bettman.”
4. Ed Jovanovski? “4.25 million? Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? Whoa. Whoa.”
5. Transformers 3? “Megan Fox is in it?” (Sid: She got fired. Ironically enough.)
6. Kris Versteeg gets passed around more than__________? “Hmm, come back to me. I pass.” (Tim: you can’t pass.) (Sid: Didn’t you hear what noise he just made?) (Tim: That wasn’t his mouth.)
7. Recording two interviews at a Joe Carter Golfing Tournament and losing them completely? “Whoa. Was I on the board?” (Sid: You weren’t.) (Tim: I thought it was going to be “Been there, done that.”)
8. The Buffalo Sabres? “Congratulations to Terry Pegula and the Buffalo Sabres. They are the winners on today’s Free Agent frenzy – Fucking amazing moves.”
9. Small Titties? “Oh beastings eh? Well, if the girl’s good lookin’, we’re all good.” (Sid: Did you say beastings or bee stings?) “Bee Stings!”


Hainser’s Corner: Epis. 7

Hainser’s Corner Episode #7
There’s no better way to celebrate game 7 of the NHL Stanley Cup finals than to have an edition of Hainser’s Corner for all the Tim and Sidizens. Before Tim got into Hainser’s rapid fire questions, he asked the savant if he had any rituals before watching the big game? According to Hainser, he likes to have everything ready before the game: pops in the fridge, laptop beside him, some good food and he’s ready to go. Tim asks Hainser if “by pops, you mean beer. You’re just trying to be cool.”

We also learn some interesting things during this sections which include:
– Hainser likes to drink imports out of the bottle. He’s a beer snob.
– Tim can’t drink draft because it gives him bad guts and the runs. 
–  Chili is a Christmas Holiday for Team Canada games.
– Hainser hates Bud Light Lime almost as much as Frank D’Angelo.

1. Stanley Cup? “The greatest treasure in all of sports.”
2. Game 7? “It’s all on the line. All the marbles are up for grabs.”
3. Do or Die? “That’s, that’s what game 7’s are. You summed it up right there in three distinct little words.”
4. Vancouver? “God, I hope they win because if they don’t, that, that stadium’s gonna get torn down by a bunch of uh, ah, rowdy peeps. Uh, it’s gonna be interesting regardless.” (Tim: A bunch of …sorry?) “Rowdy people.”
5. Roberto Luongo? “Not a fan. You’re not one of the elite goalies in the league. Um, the team might win in spite of you and uh, worst hair in hockey.” (Tim: How many goals has he let up at home?) “Not too many, but…” (Tim: 3 wins.) “Uh, How many road games has he won since the Nashville series? 2.” (Tim: I would suggest…uh, I told myself I wasn’t going to get caught up in this.) “No, no, please continue.” (Tim: The Sedins have done shit, Kesler’s done shit; the reason why they have three games is Roberto Luongo you Jackass.) “Okay, but he can’t play every game in the Rogers Centre. This isn’t ah…” (Tim: But why would anyone want to play in the Rogers Centre? That’s a dome in Toronto.)
6. Green Men? “The Green Men, solid guys. They’re actually bunkered down today guys in a, and preparing for what they call will be their Tour de Force moments of the past season. Uh, expect something very big from them tonight.”
7. Flashser? “Where are you?”
8. B.C ‘s Best? “What? Weed?”
9. Orland Kurtenbach? “That’s a fantastic name. A great Canuck.”
10. Harold Schneps? “That moustache, are you kiddin’ me? That guy could play some mean D.”
10. Gastown? “Gastown. Gastown is the only thing separating you from the skids in Vancouver.” (I had to guess what he said here.)
11. The Grouse Grind? “I’ve tried the Grouse Grind before. You will never see me weeze so hard brother.” (Tim: What!!! Come on!)
12. Water Taxi? “Uh, that’s such a rip off, that Water Taxi. Jesus, I got caught in that once.”
13. Ferry? The ferry’s not much better. The ferry is the damn Sea Bus they have there.” (Tim: I should have used the word Ferry before the word Water Taxi. Damn it.)
14. Winner? “Winner….I say Charlie Sheen.”
15. Game Winning Goal? “Game winning goal tonight will be scored by Mr. Christopher Higgins.” 
16. Hainser? “That’s me brother.” (Tim: that’s the best finish better.)

Another great bit of information Tim and Sidizens found out on this episode of Hainser’s Corner – Hainser loves his Tuborg and Kebabs (Chicken, Beef, and Lamb).

Hainser’s Corner: Epis. 6

Hainser’s Corner #6
A surprise Hainser’s Corner! Also of importance, this is Tim’s first time alone with the man; it should be quite interesting. Some of Hainser’s answers ran a bit longer than usual as Tim is a little more on the sympathetic side than Sid. So a head’s up that some of Hainser’s answers are long, but I’m telling you Tim and Sidizens, what he provides is gold.

A little intro. first:
Tim: Hainser!
Hainser: Timothy, How are you sir?
Tim: Thanks for stopping by. I was wondering if I could fill the time today and apparently I had tons of time to fill.
Hainser: Anytime. Call me in from the ballpen any day brother.
Tim: The ballpen or the bullpen?
Hainser: Um, the bullpen. 

1. Winnipeg? “Okay. Winnipeg. I’m so glad they have a NHL franchise back. They deserve it. Gary Bettman is gonna realize this was a backhanded like win for him. Uh, what a fuck up it was for him to take it out in the first place.” (Tim: The dollar was a….no, no, I’m not gonna analyze.)
2. Cheetah Power Surge? “Oh my God! Are you for real? This guy, that guy is on my hit list. Hey really? Frank D’Angelo? Oh dude.” (Tim: I don’t know if you want to put him on your hit list. I got to stop analyzing.) “No, I do. I want him. He’s um, he’s at the very top. Uh, uh, I tweeted him the other day, uh…first of all, he’s now associated with Mike Zigomanis and Luca Caputi. Could this be a worst look for these two Leafs prospects? This is my team, he’s hanging out…” (Tim: Zigomanis is like 29 now.) “I don’t give, he’s like hanging around with this jackass. He ruins everything. Cheetah Power Surge is a fucking embarrassment and his band too. Have you heard them?” (Tim: I’m not speaking badly about him.) “I will.” (Tim: Who else is on your hit list?) “Ah, there’s many, but he’s right on top.”

3. TOUT? “TOUT, ah, the best uh, thing to happened to the uh, social medias world since twitter. Ah, Bronsteter can attest. If you want to see me uh, pile drive some Oranginas in the morning, we’ll put that up.” (Tim: Pile drive some what?) “Oranginas. That’s my go to drink in the morning.” (Tim: What about Orange Julius?) “No, that’s a far and ferior product.”
4. Olympic Torch? “Uh, Olympic Torch is great. They should just get it right. I remember Vancouver that was, was a bit of a sha…” (Tim: Well, they relit it. Did you hear they relit it?) “Yeah.” (Tim: And lost 8 – 1) “Oh.”
5. Celibacy? “Celibacy, uh, it’s not a good look man. I know it all to well.”
6. Sex-ting? “Sex-ting, um, fine. I w-would not be involved in that. You never know what’s gonna happen, hey Weiner? Jesus.”
7. Dick Ebersol? “Oh, very powerful man, NBC. But this guy’s gotta get a new name.”
8. Biting? “Biting, ah, certainly doesn’t belong in any hockey game, I’ll tell you that.” 
9. Weiner? “Weiner, that guy is such a fuckin’ loser, hey? Like, could he have fucked up more?” (Tim: This is amazing.)
10. Horton? “Uh, may you have a fast and speedy recovery. God Speed, uh, that was not a proper hit and uh, I wish him the best.”
11. Rome? “Hey man, that was uh, that would have been a good hockey hit if he had gone for the sternum. That’s my problem with the hit there. That’s uh, he definitely went for the chin, for the head. If he had just decked him right, right there, in the numbers, he would have been perfect. If he had decked him in the big Bruins logo.”

Hainser: Frank D’Angelo, I’m coming out for you buddy!
Noon: Hainser’s coming out for him? Does that mean he’s gay?
Hainser: Cheetah Power Surge sucks!
Tim: Do you want Frank?
Hainser: Are you trying to mix up my words? I want to uh, Frank D’Angelo is a loser. Cheetah Power Surge sucks and his bands an embarrassment. 

Hainser’s Corner: Epis. 5

Hainser’s Corner #5
Woo! Another edition of Hainser’s Corner this afternoon. Apparently Pizzo lost his voice over the weekend (could of been the beers he was downing for his brother’s birthday) and was absent for today’s mid-show update – so what a better way to kill some time than to bring in The Fact, The Baby, The Unavoidable, Hainser!

Before the guys had a chance to begin though, Hainser once again went off course and started some random rant. The guys tried to stop him, but he managed to get out a “Who knew John Noon was Harold Hussein? Holy Crap!” Sid had no idea what the hell he said, but Tim gave him thumbs up for the comment, “I like that. That was pretty solid.” Tim figured they should allow Hainser the chance to get at least one sentence in before the beginning of each HC! Which I  thought was a great idea for this segment.

1. Kim Kardashian? “I should of said that she was the hottest Kardashian last week. That was uh, a mistake of mine. I actually meant Kourtney, I’d bang her….” (Sid: Okay, that was over 140 characters, shut the fuck up.) “Moving on.”
2. Obama names his Joint Chiefs, Hainser thinks____________?” He has to of done a better job than George W. uh, because Rumsfeld was a loser.” (Sid: He took the words right out of my mouth.)
3. New coach of the Lakers, announcement tomorrow at Noon Eastern, Mike Brown? Yeah, you’re now Kobe’s bitch. Get used to it.” (Sid: He’s pretty good this week)
4. Sepp Blatter? “Dude, are your pockets big enough for those bribes you’re takin’ cause that’s a lot of scrilla.” (Sid: I love when you directly talk to the people.) (Tim: Hold on, a lot of what?) “Scrilla, money.” (Tim: Thanks for the translation.) “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
5. If the Score had mandatory drug testing, would you pass? “No.” (Sid: Okay.)
6. Biggest choke in sports history? “uh geez, um – how about the Boston, uh, uh, the New York Yankees when they lost to Boston.” (Tim: 2004 ALCS) “Yeah, yeh.” (Sid: I didn’t think you were going to get there but you got there eventually.)
7. Three years ago at the Score’s Holiday Party, did you steal my pants and give them to Rob Pizzola? “Yes! Absolutely, and I told you about it so…” (Sid: Didn’t tell me at all.) (Tim: You know what, I need to hear this story.) (Sid: You heard it like 30 times.) (Tim: No, no, I need to hear it from him. What possessed you to go get Sid’s pants?)

* A little back story…at a Christmas Party sometime ago, Rob Pizzola went up to Sid later in the evening and told him he was wearing Seixeiro’s pants. Rob told him that he spilt some stuff on his pants and Hainser brought him a pair of Sid’s from one of the racks.

Hainser:“Well, um, these were my early, um, days here at the Score so I needed to make sure Rob Pizzola was taken care of man. And um, he walked in, in these friggin’ like, capri pants, literally. It was like 5 inches above his ankle. He looked god-awful that day and he didn’t realize that, um, dub, a holiday party.”
Sid: Wait a second. He said  that he spilled some shit on his pants. So you’re saying that never happened?
Hainser: “Oh no, he was wearing capri pants.”
Sid: So he was wearing vagine pants?
Hainser: “Yes, 5 inches above the ankle man. It was not a good look.”
Sid: Fuck Tyler Hamilton, this is 60 Minutes right here.
Hainser: “So, so, in the, I wanted to help the guy out – he wanted to go to the Christmas Party and he said, get me a, you know, can we find me a pair of pants? I didn’t say I was gonna go to the rack to steal yours, I just said okay, I’ll go find yourself a pair of pants. So I went to the rack, stole yours, gave them to him, and we all went to the party.”
Tim: But did you know you were stealing Seixeiro’s pants?
Hainser:“No, it was all toss aways, discards.”
Tim: What you’ve been told Sid is bullshit. I have just got you the true story.

Sid can’t believe it. It turns out that Pizzola had to change his pants because he looked like a vagine – not because he spoiled his pants. Hainser was just helping the guy out – Full horns for the baby head.

Hainser: “I’m a man of action! I wanted to make it happen and get us to the party. It was good times.”

Either way, you’ve been wrong all this time Sid….Time to treat Baby Hainser to a brewskie.

* For photo purposes, let’s hope this IS the real Rob Pizzola.

Brick Tamland vs. Sid Seixeiro

“JR hits the wall, Barcelona wins it all, and is John Danks a douche? Yeah, Probably. I just wanted to say I know that doesn’t rhyme. Like normally we rhyme – like really, what he did yesterday? By the way, you’re 0 – 8, so shut the fuck up.”

It’s Monday Tim and Sidizens – the last Monday in May. I can’t believe that the mid-way point of the year is right around the corner. And judging by all the warm weather we are experiencing this week, it’s safe to say that Summer is officially here. DECK BEERS! Tim is back after having Friday off and Bronsteter, Noon, and the lovely Nadine Liverpool are behind the glass working production. Topics for today’s show include: Mike Brown, Jason Terry’s tattoo, Ohio State, John Danks, the Revolution will not be televised, Jose Bautista, Bribes, Barcelona, and game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

Before any sport talk could occur, the boys wanted to give a shout to Gil Scott-Heron who passed away over the weekend at age 62. What blows Sid away is the fact that they brought him up during the show on Friday. It’s the third time the guys have discussed someone on the show, only to have them die not long after. If I was a Tim and Sidizen, I wouldn’t be looking out for anymore shout-outs. Anyways, Scott-Heron, who many say is responsible for the beat movement in the 70’s and hip-hop in the 80’s, will be fondly remembered. Most will remember and know Scott-Heron for his early work, “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.” It’s scary to think that Tim and Sid are becoming grim reapers, so to speak.

Eastern Conference Finals Baby! 
Since game 7 of the NHL Easter Conference playoffs happened awhile back, Tim and Sid only briefly touched on the subject. The boys thought it was unbelievable for a game 7, that was so intense, to have no penalties. Players were delivering clean hits, no one was being a douche, and guys were playing hard. And according to Sid, it was the first time since 1950 that a game 7 was tied after two periods. Tim said he got chills from the game because after the Bruins scored the first goal, most of the fans stood for the final 7 minutes. And thanks to Bob Cole, he brought an intensity to the game that was simply amazing. #BobCole was trending like crazy during that game.

Indy 500 and the Art of Choking
A huge story over the weekend however, was the epic collapse of rookie racer, JR Hildenbrand, in the Indy 500. Before you read further, I’d advise that you check out the video to get an understanding of what transpired during the race if you’re not aware.

Anyways, the kid completely screwed up. Rather than breaking and slowing down on the last turn, he kept his speed up and crashed into the wall. Tim wonders if this could be considered one of the biggest chokes in sports history? Sid said he wasn’t sure at first, but after watching the video again a few times, he’s convinced it was indeed a major choke. Of course, Tim and Sid then turned to the listeners on Team Live to suggest some of the biggest chokes in the sports world. Some suggestions included:
– Houston Oilers vs. Buffalo Bills
– Bill Buckner in the ’86 World Series
– Chris Webber’s Time Out
– 2005 Champions League Final
– Rory McIlroy and the 2011 Masters

Random #RealTalk
1. Sid’s weed issue is fine for now. It looks like it’s all under control – Tim thought it was CUT though for him to be asking viewers if they could help him out. It was later found out that Bronsteter is the one who actually tweeted the question.
2. If you go to Indianapolis for anything, it should be the Indy 500. It’s a party and a half.
3. Sid has a bit of a problem because he needs to have some work done on his roof and he only has a half-a-day available to take off from work. What if the workers have to piss? Do I let them piss against my fence?
4. Fairview Mall in Toronto have finally made a beverage only line – Tim believes that Tim Hortons have been listening to the show. I hate to burst your bubble, but St. John’s have had a “beverage line” in some stores since ’06. It’s still progress in Toronto though!

Sid’s Soapbox
Sid was allowed to do some venting in this section. He’s main complaint? Environment Canada – “Thanks for the warning Environment Canada, fucking piece of shit. Thanks fucking guys!” Apparently Sid was caught in that crazy rain/thunderstorm that occurred in Southern Ontario last night. He felt that someone was lazy because just as the weather people announced the warning, it was already directly above him. There was no warning! It just happened; someone at Environment Canada was lazy. He just doesn’t understand how some places are able to get accurate readings 24 hrs. in advance, but he got nothing last night – “not even a fucking head’s up.”

Hainser’s Corner
* Hainser’s Corner was GOLD once again. I’m currently in process of finishing Hainser’s Corner Episode #5, and it should be up later.  

Tim’s Soapbox
It was Tim’s turn to speak, bitch, or whatever you call. Unlike Sid’s complaint though, Tim actually made sense and his topic was relevant. Micallef got straight to the point and questioned, “Why isn’t the Memorial Cup bigger in this country than it is? Is it because it’s the worst formatted tournament ever?” On Sunday, the game raked in 544,000 people. Tim compares the Memorial Cup to the NCAA (due to it being college sports and it’s importance), but it isn’t even close – it’s not “must see t.v.” Most of the guys all agree with Tim and think the Memorial Cup should be bigger than it really is. Noon made some good points into why the Memorial Cup is not as huge as the NCAA: Money, Hype, and Culture; pretty valid points.There was a suggestion that Canada is just hockey’d out, but I don’t think that holds up. If that was the case, we’d see numbers for the Stanley Cup Finals decrease.

Champions League Soccer & Joey Bats
As anyone who follows the Score or the show on twitter, they should be aware that Barcelona crushed Manchester United over the weekend at the Champions League Final. Tim asked Sid whether or not he thought Barcelona were the best team of all time. Sid said he’s not sure if it’s the best team of all time, but it’s definitely the best team he’s ever seen. He was pissed however, the way that MANU went down without a fight. According to Sid, they should have played more physical and wore Barcelona down. At least that way, they would have given themselves a chance.

Conversation then shifted to the recent verbal spat between Jose Bautista and John Danks over the weekend and the Ken “Hawk” Harrelson’s comments during the game when he said, “If you didn’t know better, you’d say his bat had a little cork in it.” What a douche! Sid makes a valid point though when he said that if Bautista’s bat was indeed corked, the last thing he would have done was throw the bat on the ground (causing it to break) – doesn’t add up. What I hate about this shit though is that all it takes is suggestion or a rumour for people to start digging. Just leave stuff alone until you know for sure. But Harrelson completely sucks anyways so I’m sure anything he has to comment on is bunk.

Take note of the commentators. They completely agree that Bautista is in the wrong for chirping with Danks.

Rapid Fire
– Jim Buss has said that the Lakers should have contacted Kobe Bryant before officially hiring Mike Brown. Is this lip service or is he being sincere? I completely believe this is lip service – at this stage, I have a feeling that Buss is only saying what he thinks Kobe wants to hear, in order to keep him happy.
– 6 of the top 10 guys are still left in the French Open field. Who do you predict is going to win the whole tournament? I’m picking Novak Djokovic – it’s his to lose.
– The Hangover: Part 2 dominated the weekend movie sales. Can you think of a Comedy sequel that dominated the original? Most of the guys think that the second Austin Powers was huge, and I have to agree. The Spy That Shagged Me was beyond funny.

Great Monday show by the guys. Pizzo was absent today because he lost his voice, so Hainser’s Corner took place. To be honest, I would have liked a Hainser’s Corner and an Update from the guy. I’m pretty sure the savant could have knocked both of them out of the park. I liked the fact that there was a lot of sports talk today, mixed with some random edu-tainment. Maybe the guys need to start introducing the Soapbox more often – it seemed to work. Great start of the week. 9/10. 

Hainser’s Corner: Epis. 4

Hainser’s Corner #4
I thought when Tim came back today, it would be a long time before we heard our favourite savant, Hainser, ever speak again. But to the surprise of all the Tim and Sidizens, we were treated to a special shot-gun Hainser’s Corner.

1. Do you enjoy teabagging? “Are you for real? Hell No!” (Tim: Why not? That’s a great question.)
2. Will the Dallas Mavericks win the NBA Finals? “I sure hope so. I hate Lebron – Go to Hell!”
3. Would you pay $2 million for an engagement ring for Kim Kardashian? “No.”
4. Who has more chins. Me or Sid? “Sid.”
5. Why are you an asshole? “I was born that way.” (Sid: What are you? Lady Gaga? Fuck)
6. Are you right, or left wing politically? “Oh, I’m definitely left wing, unabashed. I’m actually a libertarian. So if people want to, uh, ask me any political questions.” (Sid: You’re getting too much rope.)
7. When was your last date? “Ohhhhh, personal questions eh, I’d say about 3 or 4 months ago. And to follow up, no – it didn’t end up to well.” (Sid: I knew how it ended.) (Tim: You didn’t have to tell us how it ended.) (Sid: Did she wear a boa constructor?) “No, she didn’t wear a boa constructor.”
9. Are you a lover or a fighter? “I’m a lover man.”
10. What does Oprah Winfrey mean to modern society in North America? “Oprah Winfrey wastes America’s Housewives three hours of their time everyday at least.” (Sid: It’s an hour long show.) “Okay, Fine. She’s terrible. How’d she shut down Chicago? Just, just go away girl.” (Tim: Really?) (Sid: Well, she’s going away now.)

Questions from Twitter Listeners
1. Volcano Ash Clouds? “Um, something very interesting to look at.”
2. If you could be an athlete for a day, who would it be? “Charles Oakley. I wanna be Michael Jordan’s right hand man running through those casinos.” (Sid: Okay)
3. Which Kardashian would you rather bang? “Ahhhh, Ummmmm, Dirty sex with Khloe. I don’t know.” (Sid: I don’t even know what that was.) (Tim: You’re going to take Khloe over Kim?) “I’m not a fan of any of them.”
4. The Rapture? “Yeah, this guy Camping, hey. Holy Crap.”

Happy Birthday Hainser

Happy Birthday to Ryan Hains, our favourite savant, from everyone at Hainser Nation and Tim and Sid: Uncut. We hate you and love you all at the same time. Keep doin’ what you do and I hope you get laid for your birthday. Best of luck, Tim and Sidizens.

Follow me on twitter: Ryan Hains and Hainser’s Nation